On a Transitional Period

This is about the only real way to catch up on me and my life because social conventions prevent me from completely spilling the beans.. Anyway, life is so short, and then we all die.

I choose to take the agnostic stance when it comes to religion. I want to believe that there is an afterlife and place my faith in a Creator God, but life as it is, perfect yet wholly imperfect is all we get. To continue further, the only things we have reside in the present moment. It’s a wonder how many of our memories are fabricated and are lost to the Sea of Ideas. 

I’m in awe of what humanity has created in such a brief span of time. Systems upon systems of interwoven parts, working mechanically and in time. This is the best time in history because it is the only time, and soon we shall return to stardust—from dust we came to dust we shall return.

Oh yeah.. I graduated from community college and earned my AA. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without my Mom and Dad. On my end, getting sober was one of the best decisions I made in my life. I knocked out all my classes since my sobriety had started and got complete straight A’s moving forward. Even when I was under the influence before, I still thought about my future regarding my education. I wasn’t okay with being a college dropout and dreamed of one day attending CSULB once more. Well, that time is now swiftly approaching and I hope I keep on doing well in school. I’m going to be reading Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason for class, probably the hardest book I’m ever going to read for a while. 

Mental health-wise, mental-health wise..There’s so much I can write here. To start, the sparkle in life and different flavor of each day have started to return. I’m trying to be grateful for everything I have, even if most of them are material things. I’m left to my own devices every day and the only thing I really need the most is food (and internet). I still struggle with allotting time to do things that will benefit me in the future. I also have trouble making decisions on what to do with this time I have for my Summer vacation. I’ve deliberately set boundaries to protect my peace, and in the process have found that I don’t really need to drink poison when I myself am a fountain with pristine water and can enjoy my own company. I’m alone but seldom lonely. I recommend solitude to those with the luxury of a robust and expansive friendship network. For me, though, having many friends never really worked out.

I’m coming up on my 2-year sobriety anniversary.. Each day I process. The cravings turned into background thoughts. I have to do this every day though, so that I won’t forget. It was bad. Real bad. I don’t ever want to go back to that dark place again any time soon. I was the final-boss to myself. The one that makes you throw your controller across the room in a fit of rage. I learned grief and guilt are commonplace in the human psyche. It’s a tricky one because there’s a lesson to be learned, but then the memory of the event that caused the suffering never goes away. It has a special place in our brain and it sticks there forever. Such are the things that touch the human soul.